{"id":6946,"date":"2019-04-24T06:03:03","date_gmt":"2019-04-24T06:03:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/copy-of-021-money-saving-mom-cuts-your-grocery-bill-crystal-paine\/"},"modified":"2021-03-03T23:32:10","modified_gmt":"2021-03-03T15:32:10","slug":"022-overcoming-an-abusive-relationship-by-cultivating-the-lovely-mackenzie-koppa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/?p=6946","title":{"rendered":"022: Overcoming an Abusive Relationship by Cultivating the Lovely &#8211; MacKenzie Koppa"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/embed.radiopublic.com\/e?if=inspiration-rising-WY5X55&amp;ge=s1!b859a3dd8ec09b596a2a3f48106f2b0cd1f374fc\" width=\"100%\" height=\"185\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" sandbox=\"allow-same-origin allow-scripts allow-top-navigation allow-popups\"><\/iframe><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>MacKenzie Koppa<\/strong> is a <a href=\"http:\/\/boldturquoise.com\/mackenzie-monroe-voiceover\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"voiceover artist (opens in a new tab)\">voiceover artist<\/a> and the host of two podcasts, <a href=\"http:\/\/cultivatingthelovely.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Cultivating the Lovely (opens in a new tab)\">Cultivating the Lovely<\/a> and <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thesamepage.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"The Same Page (opens in a new tab)\">The Same Page<\/a>. Cultivating the Lovely is a faith-based podcast helping moms cultivate the lovely in the midst of chaos, and The Same Page is a weekly podcast helping families listen and memorize poetry, Shakespeare, historical facts, and the Bible. MacKenzie is a single mom of four children, and in this episode, she shares about the process of leaving an abusive marriage of 14 years.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>In This Episode, You Will Learn:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li>What it means to cultivate the lovely.<\/li>\r\n<li>The difference between abuse and normal marital conflict.<\/li>\r\n<li>What steps MacKenzie went through before leaving her husband.<\/li>\r\n<li>How she has helped her four kids negotiate the transition.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>If You Need Help In An Abusive Situation:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li>Text the word HOME to 741741 for 24\/7 help.<\/li>\r\n<li>Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.7233.<\/li>\r\n<li>Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/www.thehotline.org\">www.thehotline.org<\/a>.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Create beautiful, engaging social media in 5 minutes a day &#8211;<\/strong>\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.riseupcreatives.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">www.RiseUpCreatives.com<\/a><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Connect with MacKenzie:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/boldturquoise.com\/mackenzie-monroe-voiceover-2\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"MacKenzie Koppa VO (opens in a new tab)\">MacKenzie Koppa VO<\/a> (voiceover)<\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.cultivatingthelovely.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Cultivating the Lovely (opens in a new tab)\">Cultivating the Lovely<\/a> (podcast)<\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.thesamepage.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"The Same Page (opens in a new tab)\">The Same Page<\/a> (podcast)<\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/boldturquoise.com\/gettlhc\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"The Lovely Homeschool Course (opens in a new tab)\">The Lovely Homeschool Course<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/groups\/cultivatingthelovely\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Cultivating the Lovely Facebook Group (opens in a new tab)\">Cultivating the Lovely Facebook Group<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/boldturquoise\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Facebook (opens in a new tab)\">Facebook<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/mackenziekoppa\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Instagram (opens in a new tab)\">Instagram<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/boldturquoise\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Twitter (opens in a new tab)\">Twitter<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/user\/BoldTurquoise\/videos\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"YouTube (opens in a new tab)\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.patreon.com\/cultivatingthelovely\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Patreon (opens in a new tab)\">Patreon<\/a><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Don\u2019t Miss A Single Episode:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li><strong>Subscribe<\/strong>\u00a0on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/inspiration-rising\/id1448649388\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\" (opens in a new tab)\">iTunes<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/42zIsXzjCibZt49xdCRvB4\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Spotify<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.stitcher.com\/podcast\/in-plain-sight\/launch-yourself-today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stitcher<\/a>, or\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/play.google.com\/music\/m\/Iqrp5q3bagph2t23malprd3dxvy?t=Launch_Yourself_Today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Google Music<\/a>.<\/li>\r\n<li><strong>Leave a quick review<\/strong>\u00a0on any of the podcast apps to tell people what you think about the show.<\/li>\r\n<li><strong>Take a screenshot of the podcast<\/strong> and post it on Instagram or Instagram Stories. Tag us <a href=\"http:\/\/www.instagram.com\/insporising\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">@insporising<\/a>. We\u2019ll repost and give you a shoutout!<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<div class=\"wp-block-spacer\" style=\"height: 31px;\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\" \/>\r\n\r\n\r\n<div class=\"wp-block-spacer\" style=\"height: 35px;\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" style=\"text-align: center;\">Interview Transcript<\/h1>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>MacKenzie, thank you so much for taking the time to hang with me today.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yes, thank you for having me. I\u2019ve been really looking forward to coming on your show.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>So, this whole term \u201cCultivate the Lovely\u201d; that\u2019s a new term for me. I know what all those words mean separately, but what does it mean to cultivate the lovely?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Okay, well I\u2019ll give you a little bit of background on how it came to be. About four years ago when Periscope got started, do you remember that?<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Of course.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Well, it was the first real streaming platform and I just got on there and I started hosting a morning show. I would come on and I would chat with other women every morning and we would talk about three little ways that we could have more loveliness in the midst of our everyday chaos. A lot of us were stay-at-home moms and homemakers and I also had a lot of homeschoolers following me. I still do. I\u2019m not a homeschooler any more, but I had a lot of homeschoolers following me and that\u2019s an intense job. You\u2019re with your kids all day long and there is a certain level of chaos and a certain level of feeling like, \u201cWhen am I ever doing something that\u2019s beautiful or for me?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We would just think of little things, like listen to a podcast while you fold the laundry. Or, take five minutes to do a hobby or pick-up a bouquet of flowers at Trader Joes for $5. Just do those little things that in the moment, they seem like they don\u2019t matter, but when you add them into your life, they give you that little bit of reprieve and a little bit of a break from the monotony of motherhood. To do something for ourselves, so we can feel like, \u201cOkay, I can do this again tomorrow.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I ended up actually looking up the definition of cultivating, and it said that it was, \u201cA labor, a care and a study.\u201d I felt like that was such a great image for moms and parents and women &#8211; anybody. Anything worth doing, it takes work. You have to care about it and you have to learn about it. And so, that was kind of our mission; to create more loveliness in our lives. But it\u2019s not going to just happen, you do have to put in effort and you have to want it enough to do it. Taking the time to realize that it\u2019s worth it.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>When you were growing up, did you envision yourself as a stay-at-home mom? Were you homeschooled yourself? Was that something that you wanted to do as you were growing up?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">No, not at all. Actually, I was not homeschooled. I thought that I wanted to homeschool my kids by the time I was in my late teens, but I really thought I was going to be an actress. That was the track that I was on. I\u2019d been training for that since I was eight years old. And as it turns out, that is actually what I\u2019m doing now. But being a stay-at-home mom, wasn\u2019t exactly what I expected. I knew I wanted to be really involved with my kids, but I thought I would have a career. So, I shifted my viewpoint on that and now that I\u2019m back where I am, I\u2019m actually so grateful for the career that I\u2019m building and I feel like it makes me a better mom. I\u2019m really enjoying where I\u2019m at right now.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>What would you say were some of the greatest challenges and greatest joys of being a stay-at-home mom?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s kind of both a blessing and a curse. I loved having my kids around me all the time, but it was also so overwhelming to have my kids around me all the time.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>You have four kids, right?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yeah, I do. So, right now I work from home and I still have the four year old with me most of the time. I\u2019m so grateful for that, because I feel like I\u2019ve gotten to know them in a different way than I would have if they hadn\u2019t been homeschooled for the length of time that they were. My oldest is almost thirteen and we are so close. I largely attribute that to all the time that we spent together and I\u2019m so grateful for that. But whether you\u2019re a homeschooler or not, and maybe it\u2019s just motherhood in general, but it draws so much from you. You feel like you\u2019re constantly giving, especially if you have a lot of little ones. By the time my oldest son was eleven, I realized that in that twelve year span since I\u2019d gotten pregnant with him, I had not been pregnant or breastfeeding for a total of eight months. You\u2019re constantly being touched and needed, and there\u2019s just this giving of yourself that can be really exhausting. I think that was the hardest part. It\u2019s like, \u201cOh, I just need a breath.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>How long did you homeschool your children?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For seven years.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>That\u2019s a long time. That\u2019s amazing. My wife\u2019s a teacher, so she\u2019s with 24 kindergartners every single day, and I tell her there\u2019s no way.\u00a0 I just think of <em>Kindergarten Cop<\/em>, where Arnold Schwarzenegger says, \u201cIt\u2019s not a tumor.\u201d I\u2019d go crazy in an hour. I\u2019d go nuts.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yeah, and the thing I know about myself is that I love the older years. I love having great conversations with my kids about things and really like diving into stuff. Teaching a child how to read makes me want to take an icepick to my head. It\u2019s like, \u201cOh, my word. This is not my sweet spot, but we\u2019ll get through this.\u201d I just always looked forward to the older years, where we could have conversations.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Not that I didn\u2019t love my kids when they were little, but I think that\u2019s sort of a taboo thing with moms, \u201cDon\u2019t say you don\u2019t love the little years.\u201d I don\u2019t love the little years. I don\u2019t want to potty-train anybody anymore. I\u2019ve done that. I\u2019ve paid my dues. That\u2019s not my sweet spot. Whereas, I have friends and they have been pre-school teachers and they just love the little kids. And in the older years, they\u2019re like, \u201cOh my goodness, I don\u2019t even know what to do with them.\u201d And that\u2019s where I feel like we\u2019re just hitting our stride. So, everybody has their thing that they\u2019re good at and it\u2019s okay to acknowledge that in motherhood.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>We have a lot of moms who are listening that might not necessarily homeschool their kids; maybe they\u2019ve got a career. How did you cultivate loveliness in the lives of your children? I\u2019m hearing that you did it in your own life as a way to refresh and renew and practice self-care. How have you modeled and encouraged that in the lives of your kids?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I love this question and I think that it needs to be addressed. Just like I was saying, every mom has their strengths. Whether they like the little years or the older years, you have to recognize where you have strengths in parenthood or the way you run your lifestyle in general. Because I have friends who cultivate loveliness in their lives by making big elaborate meals and always having candles around. It\u2019s beautiful all the time. I started getting really bogged down by that, thinking, \u201cOh, if I\u2019m not doing that, then I\u2019m not putting loveliness into my kids\u2019 lives.\u201d And I had to really sit back and analyze, \u201cWhat am I doing that\u2019s lovely?\u201d I realized I\u2019m great at dance parties with my kids and I\u2019m great at looking at really difficult situations and saying, \u201cHow can we spin this? How can we make this better?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When my daughter broke her arm last summer, we were on our way to the emergency room and I was saying to myself \u201cI just know. I know that thing is broken. I just know it.\u201d So, before we even got there, I started saying to her, \u201cOkay, as soon as we leave here, we are heading to hobby lobby and we are going to buy puff paint and jewels and feathers and whatever you can think of. We\u2019re going to bedazzle that sucker and it\u2019s going to be the most fabulous cast in the history of casts.\u201d And you know what? I don\u2019t want to say she\u2019s \u201cprissy\u201d, but she is like a miniature Kardashian. She is all about the glamour and she didn\u2019t want to take her cast off by the end of the summer because of how we decorated it. We had taken this difficult circumstance and made it beautiful and fun. So, I think I do a pretty decent job, even in the midst of really hard times, finding those little things that we can still cling to that make us all happy and joyful together and laugh together.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>You mentioned that through the challenging times, it can be difficult to cultivate the lovely. In anybody\u2019s language, how do you spin it to be positive? How do you find the learning? We all go through tough experiences, but I know in the last couple of years you\u2019ve really gone through some challenging experiences yourself. How has the idea of cultivating the lovely taken a different depth in your life in the last couple of years?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What you\u2019re referring to, so people understand is about a year and a half ago, I had to leave an abusive marriage. It was verbally, emotionally and spiritual abusive and I had been in it for fourteen years. I had to re-evaluate what cultivating the lovely meant, because I had to re-evaluate every single part of our life. Just like, the way we weren\u2019t going to be homeschooling anymore. I wasn\u2019t going to be \u201cjust\u201d a mom &#8211; I say \u201cjust a mom\u201d, but you know, we all know that\u2019s a huge job. I had to sit back and say, \u201cOkay, what does this look like for me?\u201d And, \u201cIs this even possible for me anymore?\u201d I really realized that I could take cultivating the lovely so much deeper, because it gave me the chance to really figure out who I was, what I liked and what I was good at.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That\u2019s really the period of time when I realized, \u201cOh, these things my friends are doing to cultivate loveliness, I don\u2019t have to do that. I don\u2019t have to be this image of loveliness that someone else is projecting on me. I can finally figure out where I sit in the pocket of having our own loveliness.\u201d So, that has been a really great experience for me. I\u2019ve been able to really dive in and figure out, \u201cWhat do I actually like to wear?\u201d \u201cHow do I actually want to decorate my home?\u201d \u201cHow do I want to conduct my business and go about my day and parent my kids?\u201d It allowed me to look at my life through a fresh lens and see how we would cultivate loveliness in our new life based on the truth of who we really were and who I really was. That\u2019s been a really clarifying experience for me. To be able to see, \u201cOh, this is how I can cultivate loveliness and not feel guilty that I\u2019m not doing it well enough.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>I think about freedom, whenever we\u2019ve been in a constricting situation; whether it\u2019s a relationship or a job or even our own mindset &#8211; maybe the voices of our home of origin or people that have been around us and we\u2019ve constricted our own mind to think, \u201cI can\u2019t do that. I\u2019m not allowed to do that.\u201d Whether it\u2019s taking a risk or expressing ourselves, I grew up in a home like that. My parents are awesome, they are really great people, but the idea of personal expression wasn\u2019t necessarily highly valued as I was growing up.\u00a0 The utilitarian or economical approach to life was valued a lot more. So, even for me, maybe a decade ago, I started to think, \u201cMan, what would it look like for me to express myself in ways that is outside of the acceptable?\u201d Even though it wasn\u2019t something bad, it was more like, \u201cWe don\u2019t really do that.\u201d And all of a sudden, the idea of personal expression took on a whole different depth.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yeah, absolutely. When you have the freedom to make those decisions for yourself, it\u2019s a different place to be in in life.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>If there are some women or men that are experiencing a challenging relationship in their own life now, would you be willing to share a bit of the process that you went through? I\u2019m sure it was a long process to go from realizing that the relationship was abusive to where you are now. Would you mind just sharing a little bit about that with people as they are maybe trying to wrestle with some of those things in their own lives?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s a question I\u2019ve gotten a lot over the last year and a half. People are coming to me saying, \u201cOkay, this is where I\u2019m at, do you think I should leave?\u201d I really don\u2019t think that anybody else can make that decision for you. It has to be a personal decision and there are a lot of things to grapple with. A lot of why I stayed for as long as I did, was because of my faith and feeling like certain things were expected of me or certain things didn\u2019t qualify as abuse in my faith system. In reality, I had been married for a very short time before I started having people say to me, \u201cDid you know you\u2019re being verbally abused?\u201d I actually tried to leave for the first time when my oldest son was six weeks old and eleven years later is when I actually made the final jump to leave.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I think that you really have to be able to be sure of it in your own heart and you have to know if it\u2019s abuse or just regular marital difficulties. Some of that comes from talking with other people; not in a gossipy way. It\u2019s not helpful to just complain about your spouse, but actually speaking up about the things that you\u2019re experiencing. Whether that\u2019s to a counsellor or a very trusted friend, make sure it\u2019s with someone who isn\u2019t going to be biased to you. Make sure it\u2019s with someone who is going to give you their honest opinions about what they see happening in your relationship.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If there is a lot of isolation from people, I think that is a really big red flag. If the person is saying that they should be able to fulfill everything for you and that you shouldn\u2019t need any outside relationships. If there\u2019s gaslighting going on &#8211; which I didn\u2019t even realize what gaslighting was until I left. But if you get done with a conversation and you start feeling like a crazy person and start thinking, \u201cHow could this be? I really thought I was doing the right thing but somehow, it\u2019s all my fault and I didn\u2019t know. I was trying to do my best,\u201d that\u2019s gaslighting and that\u2019s someone really manipulating the way that you feel about yourself. If those things are all starting to pile up, you have to be able to analyze whether you can stay or not.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I tried for a long time to say, \u201cWell, maybe it\u2019s just like in sickness and in health and this is like a sickness that he has.\u201d But when I saw that it was being destructive to my own mental state and to my children and there was a specific period of time and an event that occurred, I realized, \u201cOkay, this is going to a different level here. I believe that we\u2019re moving towards mine and my children\u2019s safety being at stake.\u201d It\u2019s really hard to say, because there\u2019s a lot of ebbs and flows in an abusive relationship. Also, for myself, I wasn\u2019t the kind of person who thought I would end up in an abusive relationship. I tend to be very outspoken and bold.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>I feel that. I\u2019m feeling your energy and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cYou seem just really powerful.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was the kid who decided, \u201cOh, I want to graduate from high school a year early, so I\u2019m going to. And I\u2019m going to convince my parents that it\u2019s a good idea. And I\u2019m going to head off to college when I\u2019m 17.\u201d That was who I was. So, for me to even be in that relationship, I was thinking, \u201cNo, this can\u2019t be abusive because there\u2019s no way I could get into an abusive relationship.\u201d But it happened so subtly and even if the abusers don\u2019t realize it, they are very good at what they do. So, you really have to come to a place in your own heart where you\u2019re ready to go and you\u2019re ready to go for good. Once you feel that you\u2019ve exhausted all your options and you feel sure in your heart that you\u2019ve tried everything that you can do.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I think other people\u2019s wisdom speaking into the experience and knowing that you can get out safely is really important. I had to leave after he was gone to work. We packed whatever we could grab and then went. I had to have a safety plan in place and make sure that I had some way to provide, so that I wouldn\u2019t ever be trapped again. It\u2019s a very multi-layered process that you have to go through. And even after you leave, I\u2019m still going through the divorce a year and a half later. We\u2019re nowhere near being done.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you\u2019re coming out of an abusive relationship, you need to expect that nothing is going to be as easy as it \u201cshould be\u201d or as easy as you expect it to be. There\u2019s going to be a lot of hiccups along the way and you have to brace yourself for that. But through that, you\u2019ve got to cultivate the lovely or you\u2019re going to lose your mind. I\u2019ve had so many women, specifically, come up to me and say, \u201cI went through what you went through, but I just laid on my bedroom floor and cried for the year and a half that it took.\u201d Or, \u201cI just could not pick myself up. We were on welfare. I couldn\u2019t do anything. I couldn\u2019t be there for my kids.\u201d And she said, \u201cI didn\u2019t even think about trying to laugh or have fun, because it was like, \u2018This is just awful.\u2019 And it is awful so, I need to live in this awful place\u2019.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now, I have my moments. I have those moments on the floor, but I have to say to myself, \u201cI\u2019m free now and I\u2019m not going to live here. This isn\u2019t what I want for myself or my kids. This isn\u2019t want God wants for me or what my family wants for me. Let\u2019s get back up and let\u2019s face a new day.\u201d And sometimes you just have to say, \u201cThis day is just bad,\u201d or \u201cThis week has just been bad.\u201d But I\u2019m not going to live in that place. I want to have joy. I want to have fun with my kids and I think that is a really important part about getting through it.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>My guess is, you had all sorts of opinions from people as this was going on. People that were supportive and people that were maybe not as supportive; probably the whole gamut.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yeah.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>For those of us who are around people that we think might be in an abusive relationship, what would you have wanted people to say to you? How would you have wanted people to support you?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I think a big part of it is believing someone when they say, \u201cThis is what\u2019s happening.\u201d And being able to be that person, even if you haven\u2019t had very many bad experiences with the other person, maybe take that step back and think about, \u201cHave you been deceived? Is that other person being who you think they\u2019re being?\u201d Believe them if you get that gut feeling and think, \u201cYeah, something really isn\u2019t right here.\u201d Believe them and then stick by them. And don\u2019t blame them.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m a Christian and I think that the church in general, points the finger at the person who left, instead of the person who caused the leaving to need to happen. That gets into a very mucky situation, where the person who has been abused, isn\u2019t receiving the support that they need to help their family and get out of that situation. And the abuser is actually supported and the church tends to come alongside them and say, \u201cOh my gosh, you poor thing. Your wife left you,\u201d or \u201cYour husband left you. Let\u2019s rally around you and help you.\u201d I don\u2019t think that that is what God wants. I think that we need to have a little bit of a broader perspective than just, \u201cGod hates divorce.\u201d Well, hold on for a second. What led there? Let\u2019s believe people who are saying, \u201cThis is what\u2019s actually happening in my life,\u201d and get them the help that they need.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>How did you, and how are you processing this with your children? As an outsider, I think that must be one of the most challenging things for someone in this situation. How have you talked with them and processed everything with them? Whatever you feel comfortable sharing, of course.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s a very hard thing with the kids. Because certain ones of them have experienced enough themselves. It\u2019s hard to even know what to say, but they have experienced enough themselves that they have perspective on the situation and aren\u2019t upset necessarily, over the divorce. They feel rescued out of it to a certain extent. Then I have one kid who has a very different experience and so all you can do is keep telling them that you love them and keep being there for them and finding ways to connect with them even through the difficult things.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s kind of like the cultivating this lovely thing I have been talking about. My thirteen year old and I, we watch <em>Downton Abbey<\/em> and that\u2019s our thing. That may not sound like a way to deal with divorce, but it\u2019s this way that he and I are continuing to connect and build a relationship and build this part of our family culture. Where we have this shared language about <em>Downton Abbey<\/em> and he can quote the Dowager Countess and we get it. We have these inside jokes and it allowed him to have that outlet and keep building that relationship with me even through the difficult times.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I always allow them to ask me whatever questions they want to. There are certain things, because of the court, I can\u2019t answer. But I just try to make sure they know, even though all of this, I\u2019m always there for them. Even when they\u2019re with their dad, I\u2019m there for them. I love them. It\u2019s not their fault. I think that they have it particularly hard. I think in a normal divorce, the couple can work together a little bit more to look out for the good of the children. Sadly, that\u2019s not what is happening in my circumstance. And so, another big thing is them knowing that I\u2019m rallying for them. I\u2019m doing whatever I can to protect them and to make sure that their voices are heard and that their opinions are heard about where they should be living. And it\u2019s been costly. Literally financially costly, to make sure that that happens. But I think that later on in their lives, they will look back and say, \u201cMom did fight for us. She did try to make sure that truth was heard and that we were heard.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s one of those things that you just have to muddle through. I\u2019ve tried to get them counselling. That\u2019s been stopped at many points due to things beyond my control. But wherever I can get them help and allow them to be able to talk to third party sources has been really helpful for them. You just kind of have to muddle through and keep altering as you go, and keep finding ways to help them.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>How about yourself? How have you sought your own self-care and recovery over the last couple of years?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s been a big process. I pretty much immediately got myself into counselling because I knew this was bigger and that this was abuse. The place I actually went to get counselling was the YWCA, because I knew that they would understand the perspective of abuse. I had a lot of people who said, \u201cNo, no, no. You should just be going to a Christian counsellor,\u201d but sadly, again, a lot of Christians don\u2019t have this greater viewpoint of what abuse looks like in a marriage. I think we get muddled with what submission looks like and what the husband\u2019s role is and that sort of thing. It can kind of be glossed over.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I knew I wanted to go somewhere where they had specific experience with abuse, even if it wasn\u2019t physical. And it was tremendously helpful. I was in counselling through them for a little over a year. I did EMDR therapy, which helps your brain to re-file the trauma that you\u2019ve experienced. I had PTSD after living in a highly stressful situation for fourteen years, so I really felt like that made a huge impact in helping me. I still have the triggers from the PTSD, but it helps me to be able to recognize them and handle them better and at least be able to cognitively think, \u201cOkay, that was a trigger. I am having this reaction because of this thing that has happened to me in the past.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now that I\u2019m done with that counselling, I\u2019m actually doing yoga therapy. That\u2019s helping me to deal with the actual bodily responses that I have to those triggers. So, now I can cognitively say, \u201cOh, that\u2019s a trigger,\u201d but I\u2019ll still have the racing heart rate or I feel like I can\u2019t breathe and those kinds of things. So, the yoga therapy is kind of helping bring the two together, because it helps you deal with your bodily response to the stress and the anxiety. So, both of those things have been really helpful. And then just taking care of myself.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Allowing myself to have that in the relationship that I had; I was told that if I felt like I needed a break as a mom, then I was not a good mom. I was told that I didn\u2019t deserve a break and that moms should just love being moms 100% of the time. If you don\u2019t, then there\u2019s something wrong with you. Well, that\u2019s a lie. But it\u2019s what I was living under. By the time I left, I was just so burnt out. And I really had to let myself come out of that. Now, I\u2019m doing a better job of maintenancing myself. I\u2019m giving myself those breaks and giving myself that occasional Starbucks. I\u2019m going to yoga and doing the things to take care of myself, so I don\u2019t get to that burnt out stage, where you\u2019re just worthless to everybody.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>EMDR; explain to people what that is, if they\u2019re not familiar.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I wish I could remember what it actually stands for. But basically, it has to do with rapid eye movement and the way your brain processes things. So, you can either use lights that you look back and forth at with your eyes while your counsellor is taking you through a series of questions and diving deeper into your general life history or a specific traumatic event that has happened. They take you through that, and the idea is to have both sides of your brain activated.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I did it, I used buzzers in my hands and it would rotate from the right hand to the left hand. Some people use headphones, and it will go from the left ear to the right ear with a buzzing sound. It\u2019s a way of getting both sides of your brain activating, so that as you\u2019re processing this trauma, it brings it back to the surface and then your brain files it how it should have been filed when you\u2019re not in a fight or flight response mode. It just helps your brain to get things back in order the way they should have been, instead of being in this jumbled mess from the PTSD.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>And YWCA, is that a unique program where you live that offers counselling or is that something that all YWCA\u2019s offer?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I believe it\u2019s nationwide that they offer those services to women. I think that\u2019s a pretty universal place that you can go if you\u2019re experiencing some sort of trauma in your relationship. They offer all kinds of different programs and this just happened to be the one that fit best for me. We went first and met with someone who said, \u201cWhat is it that you guys are dealing with? Do you need a safety plan?\u201d They offered me all these different tools to be able to access through them and then I was able to sign up for counselling through them. She was a certified counsellor and had experience with the EMDR therapy and that was incredibly helpful.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>That\u2019s amazing. What encouragement would you give to women or men who are facing a similar situation? If you had the opportunity to speak into their hearts and minds today, what would you say to them?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I would say, don\u2019t give up. That\u2019s what I have to tell myself a lot of times. It\u2019s okay to feel like things suck, because things do suck. Just don\u2019t give into that. Don\u2019t live there. Allow it to be what it is. Deal with the things that you have to deal with when they come up. When court documents are coming through, deal with those things as you have to deal with them, but don\u2019t live in that space. Find ways to take care of yourself. Find ways to add joy to your life and in your children\u2019s lives. Those are the things that, even when you\u2019re living in difficult situations &#8211; we\u2019ve been living with family, that\u2019s a definitely a difficult situation. But when you\u2019re dealing with those things that are still very daily and they feel really overwhelming, you can cling to those little moments that help you to ride out the overall storm.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Meanwhile, you\u2019re a voice over artist and you have two podcasts that you host. Tell us, number one, if somebody\u2019s looking for a voice over artist, what is your focus or speciality or what you\u2019re passionate about? And then tell us about the two podcasts.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yes, I am a voice over artist. As I mentioned, I\u2019ve been acting since I was eight years old. I just got back into being a professional voice over artist about three years ago. I\u2019ve done everything from audiobooks to e-learning to commercial work. I do quite a bit of e-learning, narration and commercials, so that\u2019s kind of my wheelhouse that I like to stick in. I\u2019ve done podcast intros and really, any random thing that you can think about, I\u2019ve probably done some sort of voice work for it. All that can be found at www.mackenziekoppavo.com.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And then my podcasts are <em>Cultivating the Lovely<\/em>; that is my main show which I\u2019ve had going for three and half years now. I do a lot of interviews. I talk to a lot of authors and women who are just learning to cultivate loveliness in their lives and that\u2019s a really fun interview based show. And then we have a family show called <em>The Same Page<\/em>. And on that show, every Monday we release poetry, scripture, Shakespeare and historical facts. Right now, we\u2019re doing the presidents. It\u2019s with my kids and they\u2019re on the show with me. It\u2019s just like five or six minutes that you listen to everyday throughout the week and by the end of the month, your kids will actually know these poems and about all these different presidents. It really has amazing sticking power, with very little effort on the parent\u2019s part. We also release sections from classic children\u2019s novels. So, we\u2019ve done <em>Peter Pan<\/em> and <em>The Wizard of Oz<\/em>. Right now, we\u2019re in <em>Little Women<\/em>. It\u2019s just a really fun show for families to be able to listen to together.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>What a unique idea. I listened to it and first of all, I\u2019m listening to your voice because I had never heard it before and then all of a sudden, these cute voices start coming through. Your little kids on there are so cute. Is that something that you thought of? Or are there other people doing that as well?<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019ve heard that there are other podcasts that kind of do the same thing. But the idea came to me because I wasn\u2019t going to be a homeschooler anymore and I just felt like, \u201cUgh, I\u2019m going to be missing out on all these things that I wanted to share in with my kids.\u201d I thought we\u2019d be reading Shakespeare together and learning poetry and reading all these classic novels. And now I was going to lose that. But then I thought, \u201cWhat if we just had a little snippet that we did every morning?\u201d I knew that I wasn\u2019t going to be able to get up in the morning and have all the books out. I just knew that wasn\u2019t going to happen. But if I pre-recorded it, then we could listen to it together on the way to school in five or ten minutes and it could just be something really easy that we could implement into our lives that would keep us on the same page. That\u2019s why I named it that. But then I thought, \u201cWell, maybe other families would want that too,\u201d and it turns out that they do. So, yeah, it\u2019s pretty fun.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>That\u2019s great. I love the learning that I take away from that. If I have a big idea or something that I had hoped for and it\u2019s not going to come to fruition at this season of life, for whatever reason, I can grieve that. I can grieve the loss of that. But I can also say, \u201cHow can I experience part of it?\u201d Or, \u201cHow can I re-direct it? How can I think about it in a different way?\u201d I love how you did that. That is so powerful.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Oh, thank you. It\u2019s been a lot of fun.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Thanks for taking time to share the depth of your life, MacKenzie. I really appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and share about what you\u2019re going through. I know that just by sharing that, it will empower other people. Thank you so much.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yeah, thank you. I hope it will. That\u2019s why I share. I think it\u2019s important for other people who are going through it, because it\u2019s not talked about as much as it probably should be. So, thank you so much for having me on.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator is-style-wide\" \/>\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Subscribe to Inspiration Rising<\/strong>\u00a0on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/inspiration-rising\/id1448649388\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">iTunes<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/42zIsXzjCibZt49xdCRvB4\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Spotify<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.stitcher.com\/podcast\/in-plain-sight\/launch-yourself-today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stitcher<\/a>, or\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/play.google.com\/music\/m\/Iqrp5q3bagph2t23malprd3dxvy?t=Launch_Yourself_Today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Google Music<\/a>.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>MacKenzie Koppa is a voiceover artist and the host of two podcasts, Cultivating the Lovely and The Same Page. Cultivating the Lovely is a faith-based podcast helping moms cultivate the lovely in the midst of chaos, and The Same Page is a weekly podcast helping families listen and memorize poetry, Shakespeare, historical facts, and the [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6947,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6946","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-podcast"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6946","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6946"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6946\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6947"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6946"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6946"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6946"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}