{"id":6984,"date":"2019-05-08T06:03:03","date_gmt":"2019-05-08T06:03:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/copy-of-027-eight-steps-to-bring-the-passion-back-terri-cole-part-2\/"},"modified":"2021-03-03T23:30:02","modified_gmt":"2021-03-03T15:30:02","slug":"027-eight-steps-to-bring-the-passion-back-terri-cole-part-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/?p=6984","title":{"rendered":"027: Eight Steps to Bring the Passion Back &#8211; Terri Cole (Part 2)"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/embed.radiopublic.com\/e?if=inspiration-rising-WY5X55&amp;ge=s1!1b2aa41e357dc6cb66f9f3dee5816565583d1c7f\" width=\"100%\" height=\"185\" frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" sandbox=\"allow-same-origin allow-scripts allow-top-navigation allow-popups\"><\/iframe><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Before listening to this episode (part two), <a href=\"http:\/\/www.insporising.com\/terricole1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">listen to part one of our conversation with Terri<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\r\n<p><strong>Terri Cole<\/strong> is a New York-based, licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert and founder of Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp, her two female empowerment courses reaching women in over 25 countries.<\/p>\r\n<p>Prior to her current incarnation as a love and relationship expert, Terri was a bi-coastal talent agent negotiating endorsement contracts for supermodels and celebrities. Her lack of satisfaction in the world of entertainment led her to change careers in her 30\u2019s to become a psychotherapist and female empowerment expert. For the past two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world\u2019s most well-known personalities from international pop stars, athletes, Broadway performers and TV personalities to thought-leaders and Fortune 500 CEOs. She empowers over one hundred thousand women weekly through her published articles and blog posts, therapeutic meditations, online courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show.<\/p>\r\n<p>Terri&#8217;s strategies combine practical psychology, eastern mindfulness practices plus harnessing the power of intention to create sustainable positive behavioral change i.e. true transformation.<\/p>\r\n<p>She has been featured as an expert therapist and master life coach on A&amp;E\u2019s Monster In-Laws, TED X, The Lisa Oz Show, Real Housewives and had a weekly radio show on Hay House Radio. Plus, she regularly writes for The Huffington Post, Positively Positive, The Daily Love, Well+Good, and has been featured in Italian Elle, Forbes, Origin, Vogue, Self and most recently was on the cover of Inspired Coach magazine.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>In This Episode, You Will Learn:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li>Eight practical steps that can help bring back the passion.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<p><strong>Create beautiful, engaging social media in 5 minutes a day &#8211;<\/strong>\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.riseupcreatives.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">www.RiseUpCreatives.com<\/a><\/p>\r\n<p><strong>Connect with Terri:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n<ul>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/terricole.com\/get-passion-back-cheatsheet\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Eight Steps to Bring the Passion Back<\/a> (free download)<\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"http:\/\/www.terricole.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">TerriCole.com<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/terricole\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Instagram<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/terri_cole\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Twitter<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/TerriColeLCSW\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Facebook<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/user\/terricoleny\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/itunes.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/the-terri-cole-show\/id1038357955?mt=2\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">The Terri Cole Show<\/a> (podcast)<\/li>\r\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">The Gottman Institute<\/a> (referenced by Terri)<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<p><strong>Don\u2019t Miss A Single Episode:<\/strong><\/p>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\r\n<li><strong>Subscribe<\/strong>\u00a0on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/inspiration-rising\/id1448649388\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\" (opens in a new tab)\">iTunes<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/42zIsXzjCibZt49xdCRvB4\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Spotify<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.stitcher.com\/podcast\/in-plain-sight\/launch-yourself-today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stitcher<\/a>, or\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/play.google.com\/music\/m\/Iqrp5q3bagph2t23malprd3dxvy?t=Launch_Yourself_Today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Google Music<\/a>.<\/li>\r\n<li><strong>Leave a quick review<\/strong>\u00a0on any of the podcast apps to tell people what you think about the show.<\/li>\r\n<li><strong>Take a screenshot of the podcast<\/strong> and post it on Instagram or Instagram Stories. Tag us <a href=\"http:\/\/www.instagram.com\/insporising\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">@insporising<\/a>. We\u2019ll repost and give you a shoutout!<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<div class=\"wp-block-spacer\" style=\"height: 31px;\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator\" \/>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<div class=\"wp-block-spacer\" style=\"height: 35px;\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u00a0<\/div>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading\" style=\"text-align: center;\">Interview Transcript<\/h1>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1 wp-block-paragraph\"><b>Terri, thanks so much for hanging with me today.<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Sure, thanks for inviting me.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>I have been really interested in some work that you\u2019ve done recently; talking about bringing the passion back in relationships. One of the things that I was curious about was, why do we want to have sex so much in the beginning of a relationship, versus wanting less as the relationship goes on over the years?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">That\u2019s is a very interesting question and there\u2019s lots of different ways to answer it. We have the biological drive, that\u2019s one part of it. We are connecting with someone who unconsciously, subconsciously and primally, we\u2019re thinking this could help me create more of this species, so this is what we want to do. We want to procreate. This is part of a primal drive, but it\u2019s also more than that. If you look at the science, what\u2019s happening to our bodies when we feel attracted to someone and when we\u2019re falling in love, the same chemicals and hormones that get us addicted to things, are being released during this phase. We actually create more dopamine, oxytocin and all these things that feel so good. So, we want more of that. If you look at it from a psychological point of view, someone like Harville Hendrix &#8211; oh my, God. I had him on my show. I was dying. His work is just so brilliant.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>He\u2019s a legend.<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Oh, without a doubt. Him and his wife were both surprised at how much I was fangirling. They were like, \u201cWho is this chick?\u201d And I was thinking, \u201cOh my God.\u201d But anyways, his whole theory &#8211; which I definitely have seen in action over the twenty-two years of being a psychotherapist, to be true, is that basically our childhood wounds, we attract someone who will in some way mirror them. So, from his point of view, it\u2019s giving us the possibility and the potential to work things out.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">The way that I see it, and the work that I\u2019ve done, I\u2019ve found that it\u2019s that and, when you are attracted to someone who you\u2019ve had a similar experience, even if it\u2019s something that isn\u2019t good; let\u2019s say that you had a very authoritarian father and you didn\u2019t like that experience, if you\u2019re heterosexual female, you may find yourself drawn to men who are authoritarian. Because in your unconscious mind, there\u2019s a recognition that, \u201cOh, that person is appropriate partner material,\u201d even if you didn\u2019t like it.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, I think that there\u2019s a whole bunch of things going on, but we\u2019re also in that bonding phase. What do we call it? We call it \u201cthe honeymoon phase\u201d of a relationship, because our attraction to that person and being with them creates changes in our bodies. Literally our pupils dilate. There are all of these things that happen. Everything related to this person becomes more important than anything else. We just want to be with that person in the same way we are affected when a substance that we might be addicted to gets removed. If they go travel or you have to travel and you\u2019re away from them, we experience that same sense of withdrawal in the beginning. And then when you\u2019re together with someone over time, real life sets in. We still have to pick up groceries and make food. We still need to pay the taxes. We still should go vote. All these things that when you\u2019re madly in love, like, \u201cHey, let\u2019s have sex in a limo and in the bathroom and anywhere and outside.\u201d It\u2019s a way of bonding, because you haven\u2019t yet created a life with that person. And part of the having so much sex, that what we\u2019re wanting to do.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>And so, the challenges to the frequency that you alluded to, are the real life challenges. How does real life get in the way of that? Or how does it decline over time?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Well, there\u2019s lots of very obvious ways. We have life cycle events like having children. A lot of times, if you have a difficult pregnancy, you\u2019re not having sex towards the end of it. Sometimes you are, but a lot of times you\u2019re not. And then you\u2019re not supposed to have sex for six weeks afterwards. And now you have a new human and suddenly sleep becomes way more sexy then sex when you\u2019re in that situation.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Also, if somebody is not well, illness can get in the way. Menopause, that shit is real. I hate to say it. I have my own experiences that I\u2019ve written about and I swear I\u2019m going to actually write a book called <i>Meno-Marathon<\/i>, because there is literally no pause. I feel like that has gone on for ten years. But there are physical things that happen when you\u2019re in menopause. So, now you have less estrogen and there are things that I had read about that would happen during menopause, \u201cOh, you might have hot flashes.\u201d Which actually, personally I did not really experience. But what people don\u2019t tell you is that sex can become incredibly painful, even after having two decades of a very healthy, robust, fun and interesting sex life. Suddenly sex becomes painful and now there\u2019s this whole conflict that you\u2019re in. You still want to have sex with the person, but you don\u2019t want to be in pain.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, yes there are certainly things that you can do and there\u2019s hormone replacement. But those are just kind of an array of life cycle things. And then what I find in my practice is, that unresolved resentments and couples who don\u2019t have great communication when things are rough, can really struggle. There are actually different architypes of couples. There are some that are very avoidant. They never learned how to have a hard conversation. Anytime they have to have a hard conversation, it seems so overwhelming, that they\u2019re almost like the most polite couple you\u2019ve ever met. But that keeps things on the surface, right?<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">If we\u2019re really in a relationship, there are going to be things that need to be talked about. If you have to make a simple request or something changes, or someone could just get on your nerves because you\u2019re spending lots of time together; these are normal ups and downs. I think back to the psychological aspect of people who are not having a lot of sex in long-term relationships and I find that unresolved, unspoken and unfigured out resentment, it really can kill the libido. So that\u2019s one thing to really look at.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">And also, looking at your parents. You have some people who were raised by parents that once the mom became a mom, that was like her primary function in life and you never really viewed her as a woman again. And she didn\u2019t view herself that way either. These are what I call \u201cdownloaded blueprints\u201d, we have them in all areas of life, including sexuality. And so, with my clients, I do what\u2019s called a \u201cdownloaded sex and sensuality blueprint\u201d. This is where we\u2019re really looking at, \u201cDo I feel like it\u2019s appropriate to be a 55 year old woman and to be sexual or to be sensual?\u201d What does that look like if you came from a very sort of straight-laced family or a very religious family? The answer might be, \u201cNo. That that ship has sailed. Now it\u2019s about other things.\u201d So, there\u2019s many things that can get into the mix of why we stop having regular sex.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>One of the questions that I hear being brought up a lot is, how often is enough? I don\u2019t know if \u201cenough\u201d is the right word, but how often are other people doing it? Do you hear that from your clients?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Oh, I do. And there\u2019s actually science, we don\u2019t even have to guess, we kind of know what is going on. So, in healthy relationships, having sex approximately once a week is really good for the relationship. The study compared it to people who had sex less than once a month. They had this really weird way to put it, but this was how they put it; that the difference in happiness, satisfaction and fulfilment in the couples who were having sex once a week, they likened it to money. So, they compared it to someone who makes $25,000 a year and someone who makes $75,000 a year. They say that it was more important when it came to increasing a person\u2019s happiness to have sex once a week than make $75,000 a year, versus the $25,000 a year. That the regular sex in their partnership would create more satisfaction, than making the extra $50,000 a year. So, it was this really weird comparison, but it made sense.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, we\u2019re saying approximately once a week would be great. I actually knew someone once who has been married for probably 50 years. And the conversation at the time was weird, because it was kind of like an uncle by marriage weirdness. But what he said made so much sense. He said that he and his wife institutionalized sex by having sex every week when they came home from church, even when their kids were small. They would be like, \u201cThis is mommy and daddy\u2019s private time.\u201d And he said, \u201cYou know, Terri. Our friends at the time all made fun of us and thought, \u2018How not romantic are you that you\u2019re doing that?\u2019\u201d And he said, \u201cBut guess what? Fifty years later, guess who are the only people still having sex and we\u2019re in our 70\u2019s, almost 80. That\u2019s us, and we still have sex once a week.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, the thing that has to shift psychologically is that, when we\u2019re in the beginning of a relationship, we are drawn, right? We are compelled physically to be sexual and to become one with that other person. And as you create an actual life, you might create human beings, you might have children together, whatever it is that you\u2019re doing, there has to be a conscious connection.<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>There needs to be an intentional decision that is made jointly to say that this will be an important part of keeping the relationship healthy. I say to clients, \u201cHey, sometimes you have sex even when you don\u2019t want to.\u201d And I don\u2019t mean under duress and I don\u2019t mean someone else forcing you.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">I\u2019ve been married twenty years, together for twenty-two years with my husband, and every decision I\u2019m about to make, I think, \u201cHow will this impact Vic?\u201d \u201cHow will this impact us?\u201d I\u2019ll talk to him. I don\u2019t make any major decisions without considering him or talking to him. It\u2019s not like he\u2019s the boss of me, because he\u2019s definitely not. And I\u2019m not the boss of him. But my priority is the health of my marriage, above pretty much everything else. I don\u2019t know that every person has to feel the way that I do, but I do know that we must intentionally prioritize what\u2019s important and keeping your physical life vibrant is very important, and it\u2019s not just sex.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">When we\u2019re talking about having sex once a week, there was another study done and it asked the question, \u201cIs it that more affection creates more sex? Or that more sex, creates more affection?\u201d What\u2019s interesting is, they couldn\u2019t really come to terms with what came first. The chicken or the egg? But what they did determine was, that more of one creates more of the other. So, when I\u2019m talking about being sexual, I\u2019m not only talking about just sex. It\u2019s not just about<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>penetration. It\u2019s about intimate time together. It is about affection. It\u2019s about flirting. It\u2019s about remembering that your person is still a person. And if you see them and they look good to you standing in the kitchen, making that salad, you say, \u201cNice butt.\u201d Those things that you would say in the beginning or that you couldn\u2019t even stop yourself from saying. It\u2019s very easy to become so habituated in a relationship, and habituated sexually. Where it\u2019s like, \u201cYou do this, I do that, then we\u2019re done.\u201d That\u2019s definitely better then not doing it. But there\u2019s certainly plenty of ways to make it more interesting than that.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>How would you suggest that a couple have this conversation? It seems like a bit of an awkward conversation to have. How would you suggest that one of the individuals bring it up? \u201cHey, we\u2019re not having as much sex anymore?\u201d Or, \u201cHey, I wish we had more sex.\u201d How would you suggest that happen?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">I definitely wouldn\u2019t do it like that. And here\u2019s the thing, we always want to have the conversation when so much of the time, from a therapeutic point of view, what needs to happen is a different action. So, what I would say to my client is, just get empowered. You don\u2019t need your partners permission to be more sexual. And don\u2019t make it a complaint, unless you\u2019re also going to suggest some really juicy solution or idea. If it\u2019s been a long time &#8211; I\u2019ve had clients who haven\u2019t had sex with their partners in four years, so if you can come back from that, you can come back from anything.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Part of it is to start to normalizing affection again. Don\u2019t put the pressure on your relationship. Don\u2019t make it be like, \u201cWe need to have sex every Wednesday.\u201d Maybe that Sunday thing worked for that person, but you\u2019re talking about a specific situation with sensuality and sexuality, resentment is built. If you\u2019re in the relationship, instead of wanting to blame your partner and be like, \u201cWell, if they would only do this,\u201d whatever you think that they\u2019re aren\u2019t doing or whatever you think they are doing wrong, if that changed, everything would be okay. Every time you think that, I\u2019m going to ask you to look inside and say, \u201cWhat action could I take right now that might be helpful? Could I send a flirty text? Could I put a little sexy note with a little lip print on it, maybe in the briefcase or in the pocket of what they\u2019re going to wear?\u201d \u201cCould I say, \u2018Remember that time when we were away and we had that amazing night in that hotel? I was thinking about that. I wonder if we could recreate that in our own boring bedroom? I think we could\u2019.\u201d There are ways to talk about it that don\u2019t make it feel like someone is right and someone is wrong and that, \u201cWe need to talk.\u201d Because nobody wants to talk whenever you say, \u201cWe need to talk.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">It\u2019s about being brave. Because we must risk being vulnerable, if we\u2019re going to increase the vulnerability in the relationship. Which is what increasing sex really is, right? We\u2019re becoming more vulnerable, physically. But let\u2019s say it\u2019s been a really long time and maybe there\u2019s performance issues. Maybe someone is having an erectile dysfunction moment or the wife is going through menopause and it\u2019s painful. It\u2019s really not about genital sex or sex with penetration. There are so many other things that you can do like, \u201cLet\u2019s play a game and the loser has to give the winner a massage tonight.\u201d What they do with couples a lot of time that go for sex therapy, is you basically take sex off the table all together. \u201cWe cannot have sex.\u201d So immediately there\u2019s this relief of, \u201cWhat is the expectation? What is the performance?\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>There\u2019s less pressure.<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Exactly, and then what if you turned your attention to something that you could do, even if it was something short? Maybe it\u2019s not a full body massage, but maybe it\u2019s like, \u201cLet\u2019s just give each other quick hand massages before bed tonight?\u201d Or, \u201cWhat if I rubbed your feet? What if you rubbed my feet?\u201d \u201cWhat if I gave you a quick neck rub?\u201d What we\u2019re talking about is reconnecting in a sensual way. It\u2019s about connecting in a way that reminds you that there was a time in your life with this person, when you felt pretty hot about them. For those of you that feel it\u2019s been too long and the ship has sailed, remember there was a time in your life that you had desire for them. And so, if you want the relationship to continue to grow in that way, you\u2019ve got to be willing to be vulnerable. And if you\u2019re the one who makes the first move, that means you\u2019ve got to be willing to be vulnerable, because the person may reject you. So, that\u2019s why I say, don\u2019t make it like a straight up sexual proposition in the beginning.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">You don\u2019t have to say anything. You could just start touching your partner more. You could just consciously sit closer to them on the couch, or snuggle up with them, even if you haven\u2019t done that in a long time. And before you know it, this will become normalized. The same way that being super separate has become normalized. You can normalize the closeness again. But for a lot of people, I find that the resentment stuff is a big issue.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">I\u2019d love those who are listening, if this is resonating with you, I really would love you to do some kind of resentment inventory. Really think about the negative things that you say about your partner in your head. What are the things that drive you crazy about them? Are there things that they\u2019ve done, that you haven\u2019t told them really hurt your feelings or made you feel bad? Did they betray you or are you coming on the other side of some kind of big betrayal that really hasn\u2019t been handled? Those are all things that really can keep you stuck in that wanting to be away from them, rather than wanting to be close to them. And no strategy that I\u2019m going to give you right now, can replace the work of figuring that out.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>If somebody has those resentments, how do they process through that? Because that could be years in the making. How do they unpack those?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">We always have to look at our side of the street. Every relationship that you\u2019re in, whether it\u2019s your marriage or it\u2019s another relationship, like a friendship; you are exactly 50% of that relationship. You are exactly responsible for 50% of whatever has gone down in that relationship, even if the other person did something that you consider terrible. Your 50% is not talking about it or not insisting on going to therapy or in just being mean to them for two years as punishment. We all have to take responsibility for our side of the street and look at it honestly. It requires giving up the victim position, even if the person wronged you. Most infidelity is a symptom of something else going wrong in the marriage. Of course, unless that someone is a sex addict or they\u2019re a habitual offender.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">A friend of mine, Esther Perel writes quite a bit about this. She\u2019s got a book out called <i>State of the Union<\/i>. And she has a book out called <i>Mating in Captivity<\/i>. Her work is just brilliant. She has a great <i>TEDx Talk<\/i> also. Think about the juxtaposition that we\u2019re put in when we get married. What are we seeking to build a life with someone? Stability, dependability, someone who\u2019s consistent. And what is erotic to humans? What feels erotic? The unknown, mystery, anything can happen. And how do we figure those things out? It really does require effort to do so.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, back to your question; people who are feeling resentment or feel like they\u2019ve been wronged or feel like they don\u2019t want to be close to their partner because they did this terrible thing, I\u2019d ask you to journal about your side of the street in that circumstance. And to be honest. Because it\u2019s very easy to be in denial of all the symptoms along the way. It\u2019s very easy to say that the marriage or the relationship needed attention. And if you don\u2019t know how to give it the attention and you didn\u2019t know how to have the hard conversation, maybe you lost yourself in Netflix or in drinking or in something to numb your own feeling while your partner wasn\u2019t where they said they were going to be.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Usually when people come in and say, \u201cMy husband or my wife cheated on me,\u201d a lot of times I say, \u201cDid you have an inkling?\u201d And they would say, \u201cYeah, I kind of did.\u201d Oftentimes, we\u2019re complicit in the situations that we find ourselves in. But I would suggest doing an inventory, \u201cI\u2019m resentful that\u2026\u201d Many of those things are things that you just haven\u2019t asked for. You haven\u2019t made a simple request for the person to do it differently. You would be shocked at how much of the time it is small things that make us so resentful.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>Okay, so you have these eight steps that you talk about when it comes to bringing the passion back. And that is actually number one; doing a self-inventory for resentment. Can you walk us through a couple more? Obviously, there are listeners at all different stages of life, but we have quite a few women who are in the 30 to 50 year category. They\u2019re in the middle of their marriage and maybe they have kids or the kids are going off to college. What are some things that we can all do to help bring that passion back?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">The second thing on the list, we\u2019ve actually already kind of talked about. And that is making a commitment to being physical, even if it\u2019s not initially sexual. So, you can take the pressure off by not saying, \u201cWe have to have mind-blowing sex tonight.\u201d Let\u2019s just start with small steps. Start with reconnecting in an affectionate way. Because as that study shows, affection leads to more desire, which then leads to more sex. And it\u2019s also the other way around, which is great.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Another thing is talking. I call this, \u201cbeing more voluntarily vulnerable\u201d with your partner, which is different than being indiscriminately vulnerable. It\u2019s mindfully wanting to make that connection. I see it with my husband and myself. We\u2019ve spent many years together and I\u2019m quite a talker, so talking about lots and lots and lots. Even if it\u2019s, \u201cWhat did you dream last night?\u201d Or, \u201cWhat did you eat today?\u201d Or, \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d Or, \u201cHow\u2019s your back?\u201d if I remember something is hurting him. My husband\u2019s a political artist, so I\u2019ll say, \u201cHow\u2019s that job going?\u201d Sometimes we\u2019re driving and I\u2019ll say, \u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d Now this isn\u2019t the Spanish Inquisition. I\u2019m not worried about what he\u2019s thinking. I\u2019m actually interested in what he\u2019s thinking and I\u2019m interested in him. So, part of it is staying interested and keeping a conversation. This can be difficult when you have a lot of things on your to-do list jointly; children, trying to pay the friggin\u2019 bills and do whatever we need to do to get through life. We hope we\u2019re enjoying it as well, but there are times, especially if you have a lot of kids &#8211; we raised three and that\u2019s a lot at one time. It\u2019s easy to just be like, \u201cWe\u2019re tag-teaming life. You got this. I got that. Bye.\u201d<span class=\"Apple-converted-space\">\u00a0 <\/span>Especially when you\u2019ve got little kids who are not sleeping. It\u2019s very easy to be completely disconnected and it\u2019s a massive effort to try to have a real conversation.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">I always suggest to clients that they do something called a \u201cState of the Union\u201d. Which is that every other week, even if it\u2019s just 30 minutes over a cup of coffee &#8211; my husband and I do it on Sundays with the <i>New York Times<\/i> and coffee in bed. But we just talk about how we\u2019re doing. \u201cHow is it going?\u201d We start with gratitude, because that makes it easier about the harder thing, like if something needs our attention that\u2019s not so positive. But we always start with, \u201cThank you so much. You stayed up with the baby Tuesday and Wednesday and I really appreciated it, because I had that big meeting on Thursday.\u201d Gratitude is another way to be voluntarily vulnerable.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">When you become resentful, gratitude is usually the first thing to go away. You start thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not giving them anything, because I\u2019m so mad at them for these things.\u201d But I can tell you, the simple niceties of always being polite with your partner &#8211; and I don\u2019t mean formal, I mean grateful. It doesn\u2019t matter when my husband and I get up, whoever\u2019s the last person makes the bed. The other person later says, \u201cThanks for making the bed.\u201d That may sound crazy and redundant. Every single day someone thanks someone for making the bed? But the answer is, \u201cYes\u201d. Because what are we doing? We\u2019re adding things to this well of goodwill and when the shit hits the fan, you\u2019re going to need that reserve in that well. So, these are small ways. Whether it\u2019s whoever unloads the dishwasher, \u201cOh, I was going to do that. But thank you for doing it.\u201d Changing the laundry and all these things.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">My husband and I, we live pretty much like partners. We both own our own companies. We both do our own thing. But I\u2019m pretty clear that he definitely doesn\u2019t work for me. So, anything he does for me is a gift. Anything I do for him; he sees it as a gift. And it feels good to be acknowledged. It makes us feel important. It makes me want to do more, and this is how we continue to add to that well of goodwill. Because imagine if every time you did something, the person you\u2019re with was like, \u201cThank you so much for dinner, it was delicious.\u201d And it\u2019s also something that\u2019s equitable. If my husband cooks, I clean the dishes away. Which is usually how it is, because he\u2019s a better cook than I am. But we\u2019re basically looking at trying to take time to actually talk.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">If you\u2019re going to do a State of the Union, start it with gratitude. And then it becomes easier to move into, \u201cI would have appreciated more of a heads up on that thing on Wednesday,\u201d if he put me on the spot or whatever it is. What we\u2019re doing in having a State of the Union is, we\u2019re normalizing having conversations that are not all positive. They\u2019re not all negative either, of course. Because sometimes, you have couples who are just into blame, shame, guilt, blame, shame, guilt. And I mean, nothing kills a relationship faster than that dynamic. It\u2019s just a nightmare.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>I was thinking about how this plays out in a family environment. Our kids are 19 and 16 and we have dinner almost every night. We actually have dinner around our coffee table, the TV\u2019s off, but it just works for our family. But we do highs and lows every single night.<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">That\u2019s great.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>So, every person gets a chance to talk about their day. It started to be one high and one low, many, many years ago. And now it\u2019s more of a recap of whatever you want to talk about. We\u2019ll kid each other and someone will say, \u201cOkay, how long are you going to talk?\u201d We\u2019re playful with it, but sometimes we end up getting into some challenging conversations. It\u2019s become this almost nightly family meeting. Most of them are super positive and fun and playful and encouraging. But sometimes there are some challenging experiences because there was unmet expectations on somebody\u2019s part. Like just this week, we had a situation where a family member was using a piece of photographic equipment &#8211; we\u2019re all pretty creative in our family, but it wasn\u2019t left in the same place. And then somebody else was upset about something. It really gives us the opportunity to create that vulnerability. Not just with my wife and I, but as a whole family. So, this is connected more to love, obviously, not sexuality. But it really helps my wife and I stay on the same page. <\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">That is such a beautiful thing to do. Look at what you\u2019re doing for your children. You\u2019re creating this muscle for them to tap into; being mindful. They have to tap into, \u201cOh, I\u2019m recapitulating my day, because someone\u2019s asking me. Let me think, how was that? Would I do that differently?\u201d This creates present moment consciousness in a way that if you just were shooting the shit about nothing, it probably wouldn\u2019t. So, it really is a beautiful thing and I think couples can do that too, very easily and in a very non-threatening way. So, if carving out 30 minutes would be too much, how about just sharing the high and the low. Because again, this normalizes, \u201cOh, I have the floor. You have the floor. This person has the floor.\u201d You know?<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>Right and it\u2019s institutionalizing it. We haven\u2019t even thought about it in that way, but it\u2019s saying, \u201cNo, no, no. This is normal. This is what we do.\u201d And that creates the connection, which is what you\u2019re saying that we want. We want the vulnerability and connection. <\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>So, you say that the fourth step is to shake it up. What do you mean by that?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">We all do our relationship dance and we all become habitual. Because this is also part of the human condition. So, to not be habitual around sex, where it becomes, \u201cI do this. You do that. And now we\u2019re done.\u201d It\u2019s so easy to phone it in that way. But if you really want it to be more interesting and to have more desire, there is the need to suggest something different and potentially do something different that you might consider out of your norm. Even if it\u2019s just making out. Even if you\u2019re like, \u201cNo sex. Let\u2019s just make out tonight.\u201d When\u2019s the last time you just made out with your partner? We used to do that when we were teenagers, it was pretty hot. But most of the time, we don\u2019t do that as adults. It doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t kiss, but there\u2019s something about doing something that would make it different.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">If you have kids, then obviously having sex in the bedroom, that\u2019s great. At least there\u2019s once place you can have sex. But if you\u2019re empty nested or if you\u2019re on vacation, do something that your eighteen-year-old self would think was really cool. Let your 50 year old self have sex on the kitchen floor or in the backseat of a car or whatever. It doesn\u2019t have to be those things exactly, I just mean do something different, so that there\u2019s more energy in what you\u2019re doing. And the truth is, it\u2019s more exciting. Because as I was talking about Esther Perel, the thing that makes a marriage solid is the consistency and that we can bring in this sense of mystery into our sexual or sensual life. You can role play. There are so many things that you can do that would make it more interesting. And maybe there are things that you wouldn\u2019t have done when you were younger, but now that you\u2019re older and know yourself better, maybe you\u2019d be open to some of the things. Maybe your partner wanted to try something 20 years ago and maybe now you\u2019re like, \u201cHey, maybe that could be hot. Let\u2019s see.\u201d So, it\u2019s again, it requires vulnerability. It doesn\u2019t even have to be massive, just different.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>What\u2019s number five?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Number five is basically talking about what makes you feel sexy or sensual. It\u2019s having some kind of a dialogue. It could be anything, like when your partner cooks you dinner. I was a couple\u2019s therapist years ago &#8211; which P.S., I hated. I did it because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, but it was just so stressful. I would be dripping sweat every time a couple left. I was like, \u201cWhy are you doing this to yourself? You don\u2019t have to.\u201d Anyways, the major complaints would be that the men would want more sex and the women would want more connection.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">I\u2019m talking about heterosexual couples. Those were basically mainly who I dealt with. So, this is heteronormative stuff that I\u2019m sharing here, I\u2019m not saying this applies to everyone. But I would always say to the men, \u201cIf you think about helping her out without her asking you; doing the dishes, keeping your word, doing the things that you know she wants you to do. I want you to think of that as foreplay, because that\u2019s how she experiences it. When you don\u2019t do those things and you get into bed and you feel like you want to put your hand on her thigh, she wants to punch you in the face.\u201d But it\u2019s also looking at, what is it for the wife? What makes her want to be more sexual? And what are the things that don\u2019t? Listen, men are from wherever they\u2019re from. Women are from Venus, Mars, right? That is true. It is a fact that we are definitely wired differently. So, your partner may not know how to best communicate with you. This is also where the love languages can come in. There\u2019s this very famous book, <i>The Five Love Languages<\/i>, it\u2019s been around for decades. It\u2019s still so relevant, because as humans, we project how we want to be loved. That\u2019s how we love our partner. That\u2019s how we try to love our partner.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>So, the love languages are gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service\u2026<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, it\u2019s acts of service, intimate touch, words of affirmation, quality time and gifts. When you can figure out what it is &#8211; and remember, this is broad strokes, so it can\u2019t be everyone, but men are usually really into acts of service. So, if you told your partner that you would go pick up their dry cleaning and you forget; they\u2019re on a business trip and they come back, their feelings might be hurt in a way that you have no idea.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">I know from my husband, that acts of service are important to him, even though he wouldn\u2019t say that. But I know it, and it\u2019s true. So, if I say I\u2019m going to do something for him or even if he sends me a link to watch a YouTube video about something, if I don\u2019t do it, I can see his feelings are hurt and he feels unimportant. So, I always go out of my way, even if I don\u2019t care what\u2019s on the video. It\u2019s not about that. It\u2019s about, he reached out to me in this way.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">You know the Love Lab with John Gottman? He\u2019s basically the foremost expert on being able to predict couples who will stay together or who will get divorced within a 94% accuracy, after being with them for 15 minutes. He does this whole thing about the love masters and the love disasters. Basically, with couples, we bid for the other person\u2019s attention \u201cX\u201d amount of times a day. So, when it comes to the disasters, there are different ways that you can respond. So, sending a YouTube link, that\u2019s a bidding for attention. Or you\u2019re sitting on a blanket in the park, you\u2019re reading a book and your partner says, \u201cOh, hey babe, there\u2019s a cardinal.\u201d You can either positively respond, which is like aggressively positive. Where you put down your book and you go, \u201cOh my God, let me see.\u201d You get up and you go over. You can be positive and passive, look up from your book, \u201cOh, that\u2019s cool,\u201d but you don\u2019t get up, you\u2019re still reading. You can be passively negative, which is to be like, \u201cBabe, who cares?\u201d Or you can be aggressively negative, like, \u201cStop interrupting me. I\u2019m reading my book.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">He goes through this process; that the disasters, seven out of ten times, when one or the other bids for the other\u2019s attention, that it was either a negative response or ignored. The masters of love, seven out of ten times, they gave them some kind of a positive response. And so, this tells us how much that type of communication is important. So, we\u2019re veering from what makes you sexy, but this all comes back to being able to feel sexy. Basically, it\u2019s about being seen. I don\u2019t have to care about the things that my husband cares about the same amount, but I do care that he cares about them.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">The amount of classical music my husband wants to take me to, I want to shoot myself because I don\u2019t even like it. But I love him and he wants to share it with me. It\u2019s not enough to be like, \u201cOkay, go. I don\u2019t mind. Spend money on tickets, do your thing.\u201d He wants to share it with me, so therefore, I do that because I want him to be happy. I mean, listen, if it was race car driving or boxing, I\u2019d have to be like, \u201cNo thanks.\u201d But classical music, you can suck it up. Go have a nice dinner, meet friends, it\u2019s fine. You can put the links if you want for the Gottman Institute and about all of the studies, his work is so fascinating.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">But back to finishing up number five, if there\u2019s something that your partner does that makes you feel great, tell them, \u201cWhen you do that, you\u2019re my hero.\u201d Or, \u201cWhen you do that, it makes me feel so loved. It makes me feel really warm inside when you do that thing. I was so grateful to wake up and see that you had taken care of whatever.\u201d Because these are acts of service that make us feel loved. So, it\u2019s giving them positive verbal attention about the way they look or how desirable they are. But it\u2019s also sharing the things that they do, that make us feel desirable.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>I\u2019m hearing you say it\u2019s not just feeling sexual, but it\u2019s feeling loved. It\u2019s feeling appreciated, valued, seen and cared for. Because ultimately, the connection is there. I think one of the things that I\u2019m really picking up on in this conversation is, how the view of sex or the role of sex, changes over the lifetime of a relationship. I think back to my wife and I. We met when we were 20. We got married when we were 21. There was a lot of energy, obviously. A lot of energy in terms of sexuality and so forth. I\u2019m not even sure I connected to the vulnerability. I didn\u2019t connect with it about care. It was more of a physical connection. And now, I\u2019m 46 and we\u2019ve gone through lots of ups and some pretty low lows. I\u2019ve been anti-depressants for the last ten years and that really changed my sexual energy. I find that she is actually the one who is more interested in sex now, in terms of our relationship, then I am. I have found that for me, it\u2019s less about the physicality of it and more about the vulnerability of it. <\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>So, as you\u2019re talking about vulnerability and you\u2019re talking about connection, you\u2019re talking about love. Anybody who\u2019s listening to this conversation, they\u2019re probably not going to be in their 20\u2019s, because they\u2019ve got the physicality behind their relationship right now. But if you\u2019re talking about bringing the passion back, it\u2019s because there\u2019s a history there and there have been some ups and downs and twists and turns, There\u2019s history of emotional challenges, physical challenges, kid challenges and all of those things. <\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>What I\u2019m taking from what you\u2019re sharing is, there\u2019s so much inner work that is connected to bringing back the passion. There\u2019s the physical aspects of it, but there\u2019s a lot of inner work in ourselves and inner work in the marriage, \u201cHow do I make sure that I\u2019m communicating how I feel cared for. And am I\u2019m listening to how she feels cared for?\u201d Am I right here?<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Yes, it is different. And what I\u2019ll add to what you\u2019re saying is, that I have so many clients and myself also, who have experienced this sort of resurrection in eroticism after putting in the effort. For me, it was menopause that made me say, \u201cWhere did my libido go for three and a half years? Oh my God, this is terrible.\u201d And I didn\u2019t tell my husband that I was feeling that way because I thought it would hurt his feelings. And then he wouldn\u2019t want me to do it just to do it for him. I was like, \u201cListen, it\u2019s going to pass.\u201d I went to my doctor, talked about it. And then about a year and a half into it, he says, \u201cI feel like something\u2019s wrong. You seem like I\u2019m hurting you.\u201d And I was like, \u201cOkay, so I wasn\u2019t telling you, but it can be kind of painful at times.\u201d He just said, \u201cTerri, why didn\u2019t you say something?\u201d And I said, \u201cYou know babe, I just thought it was going to pass and I just didn\u2019t want it to get all weird. To where it\u2019s like, \u2018I\u2019m afraid to touch you. I don\u2019t want\u2026\u2019, I just thought it would pass.\u201d And he\u2019s like, \u201cBut you know, Terri, the whole time I sensed that there was something wrong, but I didn\u2019t know what. So, as much as I\u2019m sorry that there\u2019s pain, now together, we can work it.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">So, I made a choice because I thought I was protecting him, maybe protecting my own ego, I\u2019m not sure. But as we\u2019ve been through that, now about a year and a half, this whole new resurrected sense of eroticism and connection and adventure, it\u2019s amazing. I\u2019ve seen this with many of my friends as well. You go through those low lows and then if you stay in it long enough and if you stay interested &#8211; because it requires a certain amount of not being lazy. You know how people say, \u201cAh, you get set in your ways when you get older\u201d? There\u2019s truth in that. And so, part of it is, if we\u2019re ever in a hotel, I\u2019m like, \u201cAlways hotel sex, yes. Let\u2019s take advantage of the situations that we\u2019re in when we\u2019re on vacation.\u201d So, really being mindful of having more sex and having different sex and wanting that connection. But again, so much of it has to do with, how are you the other 23 and a half hours of the day?<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">That\u2019s where the communication, the vulnerability, the affection and the flirting; all of those things come in. Affirming that your partner is still desirable to you, even if you\u2019re not having sex. But affirming that they still look good. Now, one last thing, because there\u2019s this thing that a lot of people have written into me about, saying, \u201cI\u2019m in really good shape. I\u2019ve been with my husband for 25 years.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve been with my wife for 25 years. I\u2019m the person who\u2019s healthy and they\u2019ve let themselves go.\u201d So, they\u2019re not well. They\u2019ve gained a ton of weight. They can barely get around. All they want to do is watch TV. They\u2019re drinking too much. So, what do you do in those situations? And it\u2019s like, listen, you can only take care of your side of the street and there is nothing wrong with saying, \u201cYour lack of health is negatively impacting us.\u201d<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Before I got married, my husband\u2019s ten years older than me, and there was another boyfriend I had who I really, really loved. But I just knew that he was never going to be in good shape and that it would be a deal breaker in about 20 years. So, I broke up with him. I knew it that it was his lifestyle. So, I said to my husband, \u201cYou are already ten years older than me, you can never, ever let yourself go or be out of shape. You just can\u2019t. You can\u2019t suddenly become a late in life alcoholic. That\u2019s not going to work.\u201d Because that lack of health, really does profoundly impact a union.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>It does. It absolutely does. Okay, so there are several more steps here that I definitely want people to be able to get a hold of. You have a URL on your website where people can go for a free download. It\u2019s in the notes, but if you just go to <\/b><span class=\"s1\"><b>www.launchyourself.today\/passion<\/b><\/span><b>. You will be forwarded right to Terri Cole\u2019s website and you can get the <i>Get Your Passion Back Cheat Sheet<\/i>. <\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">Great.<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\"><b>You definitely want to download that, because you share some really great insights. I really appreciate you sharing your own life experience and all that you\u2019ve learned through not only your education, but your twenty plus years as a therapist and working with couples. I think this is super helpful for people and I\u2019m excited to see how it can benefit people\u2019s lives. Thank you so much Terri.<\/b><\/p>\r\n<p class=\"p1\">And thank you for what you\u2019re doing. Thank you for having me, I really appreciate it.<\/p>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator is-style-wide\" \/>\r\n<p>\r\n\r\n<\/p>\r\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Subscribe to Inspiration Rising<\/strong> on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/inspiration-rising\/id1448649388\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Apple Podcasts<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/42zIsXzjCibZt49xdCRvB4\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Spotify<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.stitcher.com\/podcast\/in-plain-sight\/launch-yourself-today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Stitcher<\/a>, or\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/play.google.com\/music\/m\/Iqrp5q3bagph2t23malprd3dxvy?t=Launch_Yourself_Today\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Google Podcasts<\/a>.<\/p>\r\n<p><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Before listening to this episode (part two), listen to part one of our conversation with Terri. Terri Cole is a New York-based, licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert and founder of Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp, her two female empowerment courses reaching women in over 25 countries. Prior to her current incarnation as a love and [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6980,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6984","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-podcast"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6984","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6984"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6984\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6980"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6984"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6984"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insporising.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6984"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}